Family Is Forged in the Valleys: Wisdom for Blended and Non-Traditional Families
A Moment's Peace
I remember I was about eight years old. My brother Justin was six, and we had just gotten a huge snowstorm big enough to cancel school. We got all bundled up in those giant 90s puff snowsuits and ran out to the pasture.
We were out there playing for a little bit, and then a snowball got thrown. That led to a bigger snowball, which led to a scuffle, which led to my brother picking up what I can only describe as the largest piece of ice a six-year-old could physically pick up. And he hurled it at me. As soon as that ice left his fingers, he did what every younger sibling does. He ran to mom.
We blew through the front door, still in our muddy boots and snowsuits, and my brother was hiding behind mom while I tried to get around her. Mom was stuck in the middle playing ring around the rosie. And I remember her saying, "Can I just get a moment's peace?"
Parents, have you ever felt that? I think it's something all of us long for. And it can be especially hard if your family is a little more on the non-traditional side. Maybe you've got a stepmom, a stepdad, step-siblings. Maybe you have an adopted kid, or foster kids. Peace can be hard to come by.
I come from probably the most blended of blended families you can get. My parents divorced when I was two. My mom married Scott, bringing Ross and Lily into my life. My dad married Jodonna, bringing Zach and Matt. Then decades later my dad and Jodonna split, and eventually he married Belinda, who brought another Lily. So I have two sisters named Lily.
Here's the thing I want you to hold onto all morning. A family does not get built on the good days. The good days are wonderful. But family is forged in the valleys, not on the mountaintops. It gets shaped in the argument. In the blow-up. In the hard conversation nobody wanted to have.
Zipping Two Families Together
Ephesians 4 was written to a church that was itself a blended family. You've got Jewish believers who had grown up with the law, the temple, the Sabbath. And you've got Gentile believers who had none of that. Different backgrounds. Different everything. And God zipped them into one family.
Ephesians 2:19: "So now you Gentiles are no longer strangers and foreigners. You are citizens along with all of God's holy people. You are members of God's family."
I've been saying "blended," but I don't love that word. When I hear blended, I think about mixing paints. And almost always in a blended situation, one color tends to dominate the palette. It's 80 percent one family, 20 percent the other.
I think a better picture is a zipper on a jacket. You've got two completely different pieces of fabric that get zipped together to finish the garment. That's what you have in a blended situation. Two completely separate family units trying to zip together into one cohesive thing.
Five Take-Home Tools
Ephesians 4:1-3: "Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit."
Tool #1: Families seek unity. Every conversation we have should be seeking unity.
Here's a hard one for the parents. If you're a parent in a blended family, there are some words you need to cut out of your vocabulary. "My kids" and "your kids." In an argument, you can't bring up, "Well, your kids did this to my kids." As a kid who spent his entire life in a blended family, I can tell you those little side comments land hard. They pull the zipper down further than you realize.
Ephesians 4:14-15: "Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won't be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth."
Tool #2: Get on the same page before you ever need to be. Kids will always do what they can to get what they want. Kid asks mom, mom says no, kid goes right to dad. When you throw the element of a blended family in, it gets even more difficult.
Think about it. How many conversations did you have with your kid's other parent about how to raise them before you divorced? Years of being on the same page. And now, in your new marriage, how much conversation has actually been had about how you'll raise these kids together?
When you're standing in the valley, it is too late to start figuring out what you believe about screen time or curfew. The valley does not build agreement. The valley reveals whether you already had it.
Ephesians 4:25-27: "Let us tell our neighbors the truth... Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil."
Tool #3: Have the hard conversations early and often, and have them face to face. Notice what Paul actually tells them. Tell your neighbor the truth. Not tell somebody else about your neighbor. Direct your kids to solve their conflicts early and often. When they come to you with a complaint, ask them first: have you talked to your brother about this? And we have to model for them what we're asking them to do. Your kids are going to handle conflict the way they watch you handle it.
Ephesians 4:29: "Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful."
Tool #4: Never let your child hear you talk badly about their other parent. I don't care how much money they owe you. I don't care what argument you're in the middle of. Your child should never hear you belittle their parent. The moment you belittle your ex, you take that zipper we're trying to zip up and you pull it all the way back down.
Ephesians 4:32: "Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you."
Tool #5: Be willing to admit when you're wrong. Most of the time you are completely correct. But there are instances where you're not. One of the ways you build trust, especially in a blended family, is to say: hey, this is new to me too. I made a mistake here. Will you forgive me? If we want to see it from our kids when they mess up, we have to model it as adults first.
The Story That Changed My Family
Let me tell you about my dad. His parents divorced when he was little. When his dad got remarried, the family didn't get along well. The adults, the ones you would think are supposed to be in charge of making this work, weren't doing a very good job of it.
All except one. My Aunt Pam.
My Aunt Pam made the conscious effort to decide that this kid right here, he's not my blood, but he is my family. She decided this kid is mine. No longer a stranger. No longer a foreigner. A member of the family.
My dad still remembers that to this day. It shaped him as a person. It shaped him as a father. And it got passed down to us.
That is one woman, choosing one kid, pulling one zipper all the way up. And two generations later, I'm still standing in the good of it.
Peace in the Valley
Think back to where we started. My mom, standing in that living room, snow and mud everywhere, two boys hollering, asking for just a moment's peace. Every one of us has prayed some version of that prayer.
Here's what I've come to believe after a lifetime in a blended family. That peace does not come from a home where nobody ever fights. It does not come from finally climbing out of the valley and never going back. It comes right down in the middle of the valley, when a family decides to grab hold of that zipper and walk through the hard thing together.
For some of you, the step this week is one conversation you have been putting off. You know exactly which one it is. Go have it. Face to face, before the sun goes down on it.
For some of you, the step is an apology to a kid who has been waiting a long time to hear it.
And for some of you, the step this morning is bigger than any of that. Because the whole reason we can talk about zipping families together is that God already did it for us. He looked at people who were not his blood, strangers and foreigners, and he said: that one is mine.
Small Group Questions
Describe your family growing up, traditional, blended, single-parent, extended family in the home, or something else entirely. How did that shape the way you think about family today? What did you learn from that experience that you carry with you?
Have you ever been in a "moment's peace" situation like the pastor's mom in the snowstorm story? What was the chaos about? Did you find the peace, or did the chaos win that day?
The sermon's central image was a zipper, not blending paint. "You've got two completely different pieces of fabric that are going to be zipped together to finish the garment." The pastor noted that "blended" often means one family dominates the palette 80/20. Why is the zipper image more accurate and helpful? How does it change the expectations of what a non-traditional family should look like?
The pastor said: "Family is forged in the valleys, not on the mountaintops." Why is it that the good days don't actually build a family the way the hard days do? Can you think of a valley in your family's history that ended up strengthening what came after, or one that damaged it because it wasn't handled well?
Paul was writing Ephesians to a "blended" church, Jewish and Gentile believers with different backgrounds, rules, and history, whom God "zipped into one family." Ephesians 2:19 declares Gentiles "are no longer strangers and foreigners. You are members of God's family." How does knowing Ephesians was written to a chaotic, non-traditional, unified-through-Christ family change how we read chapter 4? What does this say about God's heart for people from different backgrounds becoming one?
Take-home tip #1: Families seek unity. The pastor said certain words need to be cut from a blended family's vocabulary immediately: "my kids" and "your kids." Even in traditional families, we can create division through language. What language patterns in your family (or extended family) subtly divide rather than unite? What phrases do you need to eliminate this week?
Take-home tip #2: Get on the same page before you ever need to be. The pastor warned: "The valley does not build agreement. The valley reveals whether you already had it." Paul warned in Ephesians 4:14 about being "tossed and blown about" by clever manipulation. Where in your family are you and your co-parent (or co-anyone) NOT currently on the same page? What proactive conversation needs to happen this week, before the next valley arrives?
Take-home tip #3: Have hard conversations early and often, face to face (Ephesians 4:26-27). Paul says anger unaddressed gives "the devil a foothold." Just enough grip to start climbing. The pastor said: "Direct your kids to solve their conflicts early and often. When they come to you with a complaint, ask: have you talked to your brother about this?" How well do you (and your children) go directly to the person versus talking about them to others? What one difficult conversation have you been avoiding that needs to happen this week?
Take-home tip #4: Never let your child hear you speak badly about their other parent. The pastor was passionate: "I don't care how much money they owe you. I don't care what argument you're in the middle of... Your child should never hear you belittle their parent." Why is this so damaging to a child? For those in blended families or with strained co-parenting relationships, what boundaries do you need to put on your speech, especially in front of children? For grandparents and extended family, how can you support this?
Take-home tip #5: Be willing to admit when you're wrong (Ephesians 4:32). The pastor said modeling apology and forgiveness is one of the most powerful things adults can do: "If we want to see it from our kids when they mess up, we have to model it as adults first." When was the last time you genuinely apologized to a child, spouse, or family member? Why is admitting we're wrong so hard, and what does refusing to do it teach the people watching us?
The pastor shared his Aunt Pam's story: she looked at his dad and decided, "this kid is mine." Two generations later, that one decision was still bearing fruit. Who in your extended family made a similar choice that shaped your life? Whose life could YOU shape by making that same choice, choosing a child, sibling, cousin, or family member who's not by blood but could be family by choice?
The sermon ended: "That peace does not come from a home where nobody ever fights... It comes right down in the middle of the valley, when a family decides to grab hold of that zipper and walk through the hard thing together." What's the "next step" for you this week? Is it a conversation you've been putting off, an apology to a kid, a boundary on your speech about an ex, or something bigger? Name it specifically.
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